Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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