thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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