apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
