just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
