Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
