non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize