Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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