So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
