and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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