people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize