Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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