So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
