Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
