The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
