dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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