On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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