well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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