I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
