Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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