I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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