When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
