Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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