I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
