did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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