I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
