Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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