the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
