The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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