ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
