go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
