I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
