Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My dick has a subreddit
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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