did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
