No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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