so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
