My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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