My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
