Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
