im about as happy as oj after his trial
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
