apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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