I'm so fucking centered right now
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
