i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
