I just pynch a tree in the face
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
