Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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