Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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