Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize