he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
