I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
