I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize