12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
