doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
