I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
