Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
