I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
