she woke up with a sticky ear
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
