went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
